OT-My first banger rally
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As you may know I went on a banger rally with John from here and 2 other lads, this is supposed to be a mildly humerous write up of what happened, be warned its 5 pages in word so don't moan its too long, just don't read it!

My First Banger Rally

Foreword:
I was browsing our favourite turbo A series resource some months back and noticed that Mr Harper(John) had a wanted ad for a banger rally car-I picked up my phone “you can use my old rover if tha wants chief-lol” I texted.

This was a car I bought 6 years ago for £750, ragged senseless and yet every MOT was rewarded with a pass for only the merest bits of work needed, however changed circumstances had left it facing the crusher, “there’s actually space for another man if you fancy it”-came the reply.
Naturally I refused immediately and that evening replayed the silly tale to the other half-“your fucking bonkers”-she said-this was not news to me but she went on ”that sounds like the trip of a lifetime, you should go” . Needing no more motivation than this I tapped at my HTC “I’m in sickboy!”/John/Send.

I would like to say that the next couple of months were spent with meticulous planning but that would be a lie, instead we opted for the leave it all while the last fortnight approach.
Luckily I had got an MOT on the old girl before this so the next stage was to paint the car to match our theme-Steve Zissou’s multi skilled tactical ground patrol was the team (don’t ask me I didn’t fucking pick it !), apparently based on a Wes Anderson film, basically a piss take of Jacques Cousteau and an underwater theme. I opted for household gloss and mini rollers and a mere 4 hours with me and our resident haggis lover had the car looking-errr different.

We were due to set off Saturday morning so it was decided that stopping Friday night at Johns would be best, the other 2 guys joining us on the trip Matt and Paul are his neighbours, we group to inspect the car and attach a 2ft rubber shark to the bonnet. Andy Bellamy joins us for the evening and we designate him the taxi driver and go for a meal of beer and curry.


279 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr

Day1-Saturday.

We all meet at 6am and set off for Dover for a 12 o clock ferry, as John takes the wheel I am convinced the car is going to break down before we leave Yorkshire, he opens the throttle and in no time we arrive in Stevenage Asda.
We elect to stop here so 1: We can get a cheap breakfast2: We can brim the tank with fuel-3: Matt and Paul, who missed out on painting the car, can stencil on the various logos using spray paint. We all join in and each one of us assumes that someone else is keeping an eye on the time, this is not the case.

”sat nav sez we have 2 hours to do a 1 hour 50 minutes’ drive, an we have to check in half hour befour”-John Remarks as we set off, Paul boots it in vain, luckily a phone call puts us on the 2pm ferry at no charge.
There is another team waiting at the port when we arrive, their v6 mondeo has shit its fuel pump in the ferry que and they are waiting nervously for an RAC man who is somewhere in Dover extracting one from a scrap yard, suddenly I feel much better about our chances.
An uneventful sailing and 30 mile drive to St Omer follow with me at the wheel, until we arrive at our overnight, an Ibis etap hotel thing. All other teams are already there so I start to reverse into the last parking space out front, everyone is stood around drinking and it’s now that I am reminded of my own contribution to proceedings.

It consists of a novelty horn with speaker under the car which plays various animal noises plus takes an input from I phone/I pod, loud enough to be heard at 5o feet or so and a set of ‘La Cucaracha’ air horns which are loud enough to be heard 5 miles away. I also remember the switches are in the centre console and as such anyone in the car can press them, suffice to say the other teams note our arrival!


340 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr

After sign in/hotel check we have a quick once over with a damp rag and hit the town- going straight to the rally organisers suggestion of the queen Vic. I expect to see Mike Reid and Dot Cotton sat outside ‘avin a faaaagg’ and lots of bald people calling each other slags, but instead I get a non English speaking bartender with a face like a slapped arse and 4 wank pints of Heineken that look like piss.


345 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr

Annoyed at this me and John boy head off to a takeaway that says pizzas/kebabs/baguettes/chips but on enquiry sells only the 2 later items, we order a steak baguette and am surprised to receive a lump of French stick wedged with 3 beef burgers cunningly hidden with cheese, I decide here that although this is not really representative, even so all the fuss over French food is clearly bollocks.
We move to a much better bar across the square, I cease drinking as I’m up to drive the next day and my team mates get shit faced.


378 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr

John turns to me-”meck,meck errrrr meck sure I get back to t’ hotel wont tha”-he slurs, I agree and secretly vow to leave him propped on the nearest lamp post. At around 1am John’s mental state and motor functions are reduced to that of a toddler and I relent and steer him towards the Ibis, he argues for the next half an hour we are going the wrong way even though we are not.
The Ibis receptionist finds it most amusing as I steer John to our room with all the grace of a hippo on castors, he climbs into bed, farts loudly and falls asleep in a Nano second-looks like I’m on the top bunk then!

I’m secretly quite glad as I don’t fancy being puked on in the night but as the beds are 90 degrees opposed I am fearful if I roll off my bunk in the night that John is going to end up a cross between Steven Hawking and Christopher Reeve.


Day 2-Sunday

After the morning rally briefing by a man with a voice that could send a glass eye to sleep, we set off for Germany, we intend to go through the Ardennes forest but due to a sat nav error I sail straight past the turn off, oh well onto the Nurburgring and change to John to drive now he’s sober.
We arrive at the visitors centre and attempt to go on the track, I’m in the back of the car so only just catch that the track is closed for a cycle race? Disappointed we park up, look round the visitors centre and look at the track which has tents at the side of it, John and I both remark that things don’t look right but fail to speak up properly.


182 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr

Downbeat we set off for the next hotel in Koblenz, suddenly my eyes burn as a vile stench fills the car; fingers scrabble for the window switches. I turn to my team mates”it’s not fucking me” they almost say in unison. Knowing I’m not to blame my worst fears bear fruit as I realise we have a phantom farter on board, I elect to turn Columbo and track them down certain in the knowledge they will have left a brown mark on the seat.

We waft in Koblenz’s finest etap(oh joy) miles before everyone else who were in front of us? John checks Facebook bemused and all the other teams are having fun on the Ring, we realise our mistake-we had gone to the GP circuit not the ring or Nordschlief, damn-blast-fuck- bollocks-arse wanker-titflaps. I’m beginning to think we aren’t very good at this!

We shit, shave and shower and hit the town centre for a couple of beers, we half think about fucking off the nights activity which is the final of a 14 day wine festival, but our friendly barman orders us a taxi to the door so we decide to try it.


225 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr


It’s a great atmosphere and we dine on massive horse dong German sausages in tiny bread buns (seriously what the fuck is that all about-the sausage to bread ratio is all wrong at about 4:1) and sink a few German Steins, there is a cover band who are terrible and my 3 team mates dance the night away with little regard for timing, rhythm or who’s eye they are going to poke out next.
The evening finishes with what seems to me about 20 grand’s worth of Fireworks which are excellent-Indeed I quote another rally member ”that last one was so loud I nearly shit myself”-charming.


227 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr


Day 3-Monday

After another dull briefing we guff into Austria, due to the large beer and sausage intake the car smells like a farm yard today and I’m partly to blame, I feel crap, I almost miss the fact we are driving down the Rhine which is pretty, unlike the inside of my undies, which isn’t.
My investigation into the phantom farter has drawn a blank and I conclude the culprit is clever and has rubber boxer shorts on, the case is ongoing.

We stop in Baden Baden for a few hours and during one of our many piss takes John identifies a new medical condition known as an enyarism, which involves convulsing on the floor, foaming at the mouth and singing Orinoco flow, anywhere is or any similar enya songs.
We reboard the Rover which has been faultless and John breaks out his secret weapon, a mighty oak air freshener (not even a fucking magic tree lol) labelled ‘new car’, it seems however that Johns has been mixed in with an experimental batch of new flavours accidentally released to the public as I describe the aroma more like ‘pensioners flat’ or ‘stale piss’, I throw it out the window before we hit Feldkirch.


278 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr

At last the first proper hotel, it even has speakers in the bathroom, I plug the iPod in and enjoy a lovely shower with Abba, Duran Duran and Jimmy Nail. The hotel kindly put on a meal which looks like it came from 1973 and we laugh as John slips whilst cutting his chicken in tomato sauce and ends up looking like Carrie. Me and John retire to the lounge and sink a few JD and cokes before bed.


Day 4-Tuesday

John and I can’t be fucked to go the briefing today, I cover my head with a pillow as the bathroom door is the thickness of an after 8 and I really don’t want to listen to Johns thunderous farts down the bog. We open the windows to vent the smell and catch the briefing in the car park as we get ready, another team has won their 3rd daily challenge in a row and are head of the leader board-“NERD” I shout from our window in congratulations as they collect their prize.
Someone has found my jack lead for the rear speaker so we leave the car park to the tune of Jimmy Nail-Aint no doubt, the cheeky girls-touch my bum, ride of the Valkyries and aggadoo-black lace?, interspersed with various moo’s, rooster clucks and dog barking.

We have befriended a Dorset team of guys in a Mitsubishi v6 estate and as we leave egged on by my teammates I lean my upper body from the passenger window, wave and gesture towards them. Unable to think of any great witticism so early I simply shout out an ear splitting”WANKERS”. 5 minutes later we have to drive back past them as John boy and Paul have left their jackets, the mitsi boy’s fall about laughing.


053 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr

We quickly despatch Austria which is both stunning and boring and head for the Stelvio pass, on the way we find a hidden restaurant on the mountainside and I order a steak which, I’m not kidding, is the size and shape of a house brick. The JD’s have played havoc with my bowels and I attempt to squeeze a trump out in several little sections, suddenly I snigger and let rip on the hard chair, the fart echoes around the mountains setting off avalanches miles away and at the other end of the terrace a table of wrinklies, whom are all pissed, drop their cutlery in stunned silence and look my way in disgust. Naturally I break wind again.

John takes the wheel for the Stelvio accent and sits the 2 litre Honda lump very firmly at 5500 rpm, it laps it up other than a stinky hot exhaust and we are at the top in no time, I go down the other side but no danger of brake fade-it’s pissing it down. We are followed for the next 6 miles of tunnels by an Italian woman who is not only on the phone with one hand but also doing her makeup with the other and at nearly 70 mph she is so close I fear she is hooked onto our tow bar.
We have a late finish in a nice hotel in Bergamo which is near on impossible to find, John argues with the sat nav for the 600th time so far and eventually we are there.


127 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr

Day 5-Wednesday

Blah blah, waffle waffle, another shite briefing over we head for maranello and the home of Ferrari, we all have a look round the museum and I enjoy a game of farting, then running off to see who walks into it next, I get told off for leaning on an F40 and we have a stale overpriced pizza and rocket fuel coffee in the café.

Johns buzzing his tits off by now as he has booked a drive out in a 430? I think, 20 mins later he comes back by minibus, we assume he’s crashed into a bin lorry or vommed up in it- but no, the staff take the cars for a pootle to let them cool down after a thrashing.


066 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr

We turn and burn back into the rover tron and head for Venice,it seems I had a drunken dare some nights before and the mitsi boys scoff that they have hit our car twice in the car park but the bumpers just popped back out, I take the keys and show them how its done.
That evening we decide to not bother with the grand prize giving, we have won fuck all anyhow and want to see Venice at night and then burn it home first thing. We go to St Marks square and have a nice Italian meal in a backstreet place.


207 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr

Back at the Hotel I have a nice warm feeling as I lay in bed, it may be due to the fact that my old heap has made it to Venice or it may be due to the JD and coke nightcaps we had-clearly the Italians have no idea what a single measure is.

Thursday John ruins yet another hotel toilet and we head back- a straight run all the way to Stuttgart where we book an overnight in a Park Inn.

Friday morning and I awake from a lovely dream of home, I open one eye ”that’s not my bedroom ceiling” I think,”oh must still be on the rally”- “and also who the fuck it tearing the carpet” I muse.
I turn to the other bed to see John on his side, right leg out of the duvet at 45 degrees, left eye closed and undertaking the advanced farting guide-position number 349-Clean the lampshade.”Fucks sake” I say and pull my duvet over my head.

The final run back is uneventful aside from we nearly miss the ferry back due to an upturned car on the French motorway(must have been croissants and onions everywhere?), We hoon into the port as they are loading the last few cars, ride of the Valkyries blaring out of the back of the car, the ferry guy smiles at me and the car moo’s back at him, we can’t blow the air horns as the compressor fell off 100 miles ago and half of it has been filed away.

Back home for 2am Saturday and the car is running perfectly, it’s used no water or oil and returned an average of 34mpg-Im pretty chuffed with that.

Edited by oli79 on 12th May, 2014.

On 5th Oct, 2014 Shauna said:
What that's crazy, you go commando hahaha! How heavy is your helmet ?

love it! I need to do this!!

I have started posting on Instagram also my name on there is turbomk1golf

Nothing is impossible it just costs more and takes longer.

Hilarious!

oli a super write up as always! you could be the next Jeremy Clarkson ..........love the flat hats more pics required though

Cheers guys, seems i'm better at writing than parking!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iU3_iVaAdDg



A few more flat hat pics

226 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr


224 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr


222 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr



219 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr


232 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr

oh dear


396 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr



349 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr


106 by smithsonmorris, on Flickr

Edited by oli79 on 18th Sep, 2013.

On 5th Oct, 2014 Shauna said:
What that's crazy, you go commando hahaha! How heavy is your helmet ?

Man I'm actually crying laughing at this, would love to try it sometime,

I,m reading this at 7.00 a.m. and the wife wants to know why I keep laughing out loud !

After tent decoration and hotel toilet destruction, what is next on the Harper schedule?

Reminder to self - only drive with John if it is in a convertible.

Dave, I'm not going to go in to graphic detail but having shared a bathroom with John, please note the following

1. If you find yourself in this situation make sure you get up and use the loo first, and either leave the room or wear ear defenders before going to breakfast

2.If anyone needs something pebble dashing johns your man!


I have uploaded all pics to the Flickr album above, not sure how I share a link to it though(it was bed time when I finished uploading so didn't look, but any help appreciated)

On 5th Oct, 2014 Shauna said:
What that's crazy, you go commando hahaha! How heavy is your helmet ?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/102115442@N02/

sounds like a greast adventure, look forward to seeing the pictues as work wont allow "social networking sites" :(

What the mind can conceive the mini can achieve
MITP 2012 17.01 seconds 1/4 mile against "The Don"
MITP 2013 16.83 seconds 1/4 mile

What is the basic idea off a banger rally on your side off the sea? It looks like fun but on our side if you run a banger rally its on closed track and your meanth to crasch your car into your opponents to disable there car till your the only one left. .. also fun.

you can do anything if you set your mind to it...
i rather blow it up winning than keep it together losing.

finish date set for project 1... march 2018

But will it be your last?

We would call that banger racing, plenty of that here too, this is not really a rally more a tour of Europe in a shit car, lots of people were in classics or even just there everyday cars, there were some chaps in a pt cruiser with horrid wheels on, however he was wearing 'trendy' clothes, ghastly trainers, had a watch the size of a dartboard and stood at the bar talking very loudly about how fantastic he was, avoided him like the plague!(or salad)

On 5th Oct, 2014 Shauna said:
What that's crazy, you go commando hahaha! How heavy is your helmet ?

Think we should do a TM team, team flatcap?

On 5th Oct, 2014 Shauna said:
What that's crazy, you go commando hahaha! How heavy is your helmet ?

It will be a while before I'm allowed out for more than a weekend....

True but look on the bright side, you could take the pond liner?

On 5th Oct, 2014 Shauna said:
What that's crazy, you go commando hahaha! How heavy is your helmet ?

Sounds like you chaps have had a cracking trip! Great write up Oli

Sounds amazing cool. Have to put that one on my bucket list. ..

you can do anything if you set your mind to it...
i rather blow it up winning than keep it together losing.

finish date set for project 1... march 2018

looks hella fun.

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